Look, we need to talk about that special gift you’re planning to bust out this holiday season, because Santa’s not the only one coming down your partner’s chimney.

That’s right – we’re talking about gifting your partner that perfect butt plug for Christmas, because nothing says “I love you” quite like a carefully chosen piece of posterior jewelry to beautify that brown button.

Setting Up The Stage for Buying a Butt Plug

Before you rush off to add “one festive buttplug” to your Christmas shopping list, let’s pump the brakes for a hot second. This isn’t like buying them a sweater that’s two sizes too small – you can’t just return this bad boy to Wal-Mart when things don’t work out.

You have to use it. Because Butt Plugs are not cheap and her butt hole deserves to be full this Christmas.

A picture of Santa gifting a butt plug for sexual awareness purposes

Either way, before we jump into finding your partner the perfect butt plug for Christmas it’s essential to make sure your partner would like one.

At this point, if you’re reading this, we assume they are. And that’s essential because nothing is worse than opening up a fresh butt plug when you really wanted a rose toy all along.

Oh and one last thing. To avoid any unnecessary questioning from the family or kids, we suggest you unwrap your adult gifts perhaps after Christmas morning. Just so grandma Martha doesn’t have a heart attack.

Size Matters (And Anyone Who Says Otherwise Is Selling Something)

Let’s talk about sizing, because this isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation (thank god). Here’s the deal:

For Beginners: Think pinky finger, not baseball bat. Start small, like “first-time-trying-sushi” small, not “all-you-can-eat-buffet” small.

And besides, you would throw an eel down your throat on the first day of sushi eating, would you? Exactly. That’s also why your partner should look at it and think “I could probably handle that” not “Do I need to update my will?”

For the Experienced: You’ve got more options than a Starbucks menu. But remember just because their butt hole CAN handle something bigger doesn’t mean they WANT to look like they’re smuggling a Christmas ornament.

A Sensual looking Butt Plug

Shopping For Butt Plugs and Mastering The Art of Not Being a Total Weirdo

Listen, buying a butt plug in person is not the same as buying condoms in high school. This is a different ball game and it requires a whole different kind of big dick or big clit energy to pull off.

A cucumber with a tip bitten off symbolizing a penis

You must act like you’ve been there before, even if you’re dying inside. Here’s how to not look like a complete rookie:

  • Walk in like your cock is massive and your buying groceries.
  • Yes, you can touch the display models (that’s what they’re there for, you nervous nelly)
  • No, you don’t need to whisper. The staff has heard it all, and probably before breakfast
  • Don’t say it’s a Christmas gift.

The Art of Not Making Your Butt Plug Look Like a Last-Minute Gas Station Purchase

Want to make this your butt plug gift memorable? Let’s talk presentation, because nothing says “I put thought into this” quite like proper wrapping. First off, step away from the Sunday comics section – you’re not wrapping a white elephant gift for your office party. Show some class and spring for the fancy paper, preferably something that doesn’t advertise today’s Garfield strip. And while stuffing it in a stocking might seem festively appropriate, maybe save that move for when you’re ready to explain to Grandma why her knitted Christmas stockings need dry cleaning.

Instead, consider pairing your spicy gift with something classy, like a nice bottle of wine – because nothing says “I respect your adventurous spirit” quite like a smooth Cabernet and an equally smooth surprise. Plus, the wine will come in handy whether your gift is a hit or you need to drink away the memory of an awkward unwrapping moment.

The Material World of Butt Stuff – Picking The Right Material of Butt Plug For Your Partner

Let’s talk materials, you curious cats. Like choosing a starter Pokémon, your choice says a lot about your personality and preparedness of your posterior.

Silicone: The Toyota Corolla of the Behind

A silicon butt plug
  • The everyman’s choice, reliable like that one friend who always shows up to help you move
  • Flexible enough to make yoga instructors jealous
  • Cleans up easier than your uncle’s browser history
  • Comes in more colors than a unicorn’s daydream
  • The only thing more dependable is mom’s disappointment

Glass Butt Plugs – For Those Who Like to Live Dangerously

A picture of a plain glass jar
  • Like carrying a Ming dynasty vase in your ass, but safer
  • Actually more durable than your last relationship
  • Temperature play? More like temperature slay
  • Makes your bedroom look like a contemporary art gallery
  • Perfect for those who want their pleasure to look like it belongs in a museum
  • Pro tip: Don’t drop it on your tile floor (or do, if you want to explain that noise to your roommates)

Metal: The Terminator of Anal Toys

A metal butt plug
  • Starts colder than your ex’s heart, ends warmer than your boyfriend’s bussy
  • Heavy enough to use as a paperweight (but please don’t)
  • Could probably survive a nuclear apocalypse
  • Makes airport security very, very interesting
  • Feels expensive because it is expensive
  • Perfect for those who take their pleasure as seriously as their investment portfolio

Bonus Round – Materials to Avoid:

A picture of a rhino pill to reinforce staying away from gas station sex supplements.
Stay away from anything in the gas station. That means no Rhino Pills for Unc.
  • Anything labeled “mystery material”
  • That weird rubber that smells like a tire fire
  • Anything your cousin’s friend’s roommate got “for a great deal”
  • If it came from a gas station, just no
  • Anything that changes color when you touch it (unless it’s supposed to)
  • Materials that sound like they belong in a sci-fi movie

Remember: When in doubt, stick with silicone. It’s like the Golden Retriever of materials – loyal, reliable, and won’t let you down when it matters most.

The Grand Plug Finale

Remember, a butt plug is more than just a gift – it’s a statement. It says “I trust you enough to buy you something that could potentially lead to an extremely awkward ER visit.” It says “Our love is strong enough to survive the unboxing of anal accessories.” Most importantly, it says “I put more thought into this than the gift card I got my mom.”

So this holiday season, when your partner is opening their presents, and they get to that suspiciously shaped package, just remember: the best gifts are the ones that keep on giving… and occasionally require lube.

Categorized in:

Sexual Wellness